Love and Abusive Relationships

People tend to stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. However, there are two main ones that are noticed to surface quite often—lack of self-value and a person allowing their love for the abuser to cloud their judgment. Firstly, abusers tend to get with and stay with people that allow themselves to be abused. We have all seen this person. Usually it’s a woman who is beaten by her boyfriend/husband on a regular basis. But other than this stereotypical situation, there is also the man who is verbally and emotionally abused by the woman in his life. Yes, I know, women are verbally and emotionally abused also. Anyway, because this person has such a crippled and shattered self-image, practically no self-confidence, and thus little to no self-worth, this person allows the abuse to continue because he/she feels that no one else would want them. They feel that the person they are with loves them in spite of the continual abuse and therefore, defends them and forgives them over and over. They often turn the abuse inward and blame themselves for it. This creates a situation where the abuse becomes normal and is even expected. The reasons why a person can have such a pathetic self-image are numerous. However, the results are always the same. I have actually heard a woman say to me that when her husband beats her, it shows that he loves her and if he did not do it, she would be concerned. This warps the mind of an individual to the point where they cannot function in a normal relationship. They must be in one where they are constantly striving to earn the other’s love instead of expecting it to be mutually exchanged. It becomes a sick emotional dependency of sorts. It can take years to heal someone of this mental malady. It also ruins the chances of a decent person coming along and showing this person true love. Sometimes when people are not used to real love, when they get it, they mess it up because they are not used to it and feel it’s either too good to be true or it will be ruined sooner or later anyway so why not do it before they become a victim. This also creates a low expectation of the opposite sex to the point whereas if a good woman or good man comes along, they are ignored because they are seen as fake or not genuine. Some people are more comfortable with loose non-committed relationships, abusers, liars, and cheaters because that’s what they are used to seeing or experiencing. One the other hand, some people allow their love for an abusive individual to compel them to stay in an abusive or toxic relationship. Love is not bound by things such as logic, common sense, etc. Therefore, a person will utilize forgiveness, patience, and understanding to a fault. They will sacrifice themselves, and the health and welfare of those around them because they love so hard and so blindly. Though this may be admirable in some situations, in a set of abusive circumstances—it can be downright self destructive. It is easy for us to sit on the outside and judge, but we have at one time or another been in a relationship where we were lied to, abused, taken advantage of, cheated on, insulted, etc. and we stayed longer than we should have. Love will do that. Sad but true. One of the most deceptive lies that love tells us is, “If I just wait he/she will change and things will get better.” Love is beautiful. But one of the tragedies of it is that it can often create hope where there should not be any--at all. Love is often at odds with reality.