Looking Back Half-Way Through

Let me preface this by stating--"I AM NOT old." No, I am not... I work with a small group of guys in their 20's and I am reaping what I sewed when I was their age--I called guys my age "old." Ha ha ha, how time flies and how tables turn. Yes, in another month or two, I will be OFFICIALLY in my mid-thirties--35 years old. Sure, it's not old, but I don't want to kid myself, I am not in my twenties either.  A recent personal event in my life reminded me of this fact involving such a one as I once was. Anyway, at this moment there are so many thoughts running through my mind that I must put down in this particular blog. So, please (as always) bear with me. I need to now write out what I want to discuss so that if I have to save this piece part of the way through and then pick it up later I will remember what I wanted to write about (yep, one of the first signs of age--you gotta write EVERYTHING DOWN or you will only recall it when it's too late, when you really get old, you won't recall it at all). I want to talk about what 35 means in terms of stages of life. I want to talk about people mistaking and abusing certain stages of life and having to play "catch up." I want to talk about my generation in particular and juxtapose them with this present one. Finally, I want be honest about where I feel I am in all of this. I hope that if you cannot relate, then at the least you can enjoy...

The reason why I entitled this "Looking Back Half-Way Through" is because, let's face it--if you live to be 70 years old, you had enough time to do pretty much what you wanted to do (whether it happened for you is another story) and if you die at this age or older, no one can really say that your life was "cut short." No matter how you slice it, or how well you can get around, get it up, or get down at 70--70 is still old. Yes, yes, yes, I know you have a grandfather or you have a friend with a grandmother who is above the age of 70 and s/he can do all the things s/he did at 20... right. No, I am not denying that there are some spry and active old folks out there. I actually went to college with a guy in his seventies, but 70 is after all--70. And my point is (yes, I took this long to get to it), that if 70 is (on average) the "end of the road", then we have to look at 35 as half-way through the trip. This brings me into a stark reality. One that I would tease people about when they turned 35--"... dude, you are half way to 70... It's all downhill from here!!! What have you go to look forward to? A receding hairline, a growing waistline, crows-feet around your eyes, gray hair--where you still have it--the beginning of a need for Viagra. Ha ha ha ha, face it. It's over!" Yes, I would shout these cruel things to my guy friends and under all the laughs I one day knew that it would be me as the butt of like jokes. But I could not resist the ribbing. So, I must admit, I do believe most these things are down the road for me. Thus, I just move from teasing guys in their mid-thirties to ones in their fifties. Do I still look at 35 the same way--yes I do, just without all the laughter. Thank God I have not started losing my hair and the only hair that's showing signs of gray are a few in my mustache and beard. I don't have wrinkles but the permanent dark circles around my already failing eyes are forming. I was heavier but with constant exercise I have maintained a healthy weight. As for the Viagra (or any other E.D. drug), I have had no need for it yet. And by saying "yet" I don't plan to. But I will be honest here (at the risk of much mockery)… let's be real, it's not going to get any better.

When I think about it, it's so silly for us to grab onto and embrace these ridiculous notions about how "30 is the new 20" or "40 is the new 30." How stupid! Whenever I hear such nonsense, my personal irritation meter goes off. This ignorance is the result of a long-held Westernized way of thinking that actually dates back many years--the worship of youth. America especially worships youth to a point of insanity. They worship the superficiality of youth; smooth skin, dark hair, thin, muscular bodies, perky breasts, firm buttocks, skin unblemished by stretch marks, wrinkles, or lack of elasticity, an instant hard-on, quick reflexes, natural strength, a killer libido, bright straight teeth untainted by years of nicotine, dental work and coffee, bright eyes without the effects of sleepless nights, long parties, and longer hangovers... the list goes on and on and on. This youth worship totally ignores the natural ignorance, at times stupidity, and the impulsiveness of youth--that sadly disallows many youth to make it out of this stage in life. It is this poor way of thinking that has people (mainly you white folks--let's be real) spending God awful amounts of cash on surgeries and other medical procedures to retain "the appearance" of youth; Botox treatments, breast augmentation, tummy tucks, face lifts, liposuction, hair replacement therapy, etc. etc. etc. Not to mentions the gallons of hair-dye and tons of make-up used for the same purposes. It seems that most of American society is sold on the idea that age is ugly and should be avoided at all costs. I think that though a person should strive to look their best, if they spend their time trying to avoid the inevitable instead of embracing it and being who they are, they wind up looking like a bunch of buffoons. You've seen grandma at the club in a mini-skirt flashing her denture enhanced smile and winking at every man she thinks is potential bait. When she introduces herself, you feel the poor old lady's hand quivering... and though one can think of the advantages found in a woman with no teeth, it is tragic to see this lovely woman chasing youth that has long left her instead of rejoicing in the accomplishment of reaching a long life. You've seen grandpa at the mall in a jogging suit and a pair of Air Jordans complete with cornrows (gray ones with a receding hairline at that) and diamond studs in his ears--trying to pick up chics. Can't you see him with his jacket zipped halfway down his bare chest while his gold chain dangles through his white chest hair as he stares through his bifocals chewing a toothpick at women his granddaughter’s age....? Yes, when you don't learn to embrace and appreciate where you are in life--you become one of these creeps.

Therefore, I have a choice to make, do I embrace 35 or do I try to run with the 25 year olds? No, I cannot. I am who and what I am at this point in my life and as I think about it, I must wonder... Where--figuratively--am I now? What stage is the age 35 located in? 35??? It is young and not old, but while 35 is young, it must also at the same time be considered "mature." In other words, though I consider myself still a young man at this age... I am more of a young MAN, than a YOUNG man--you get me? You can refer to teen-agers as "young men" but when you call a man in his thirties young, it carries a far different meaning. People get on me all the time and say, "Ramon, you are not old, why do you stress so much about your age?" My answer has more to do with stages in life, accomplishments, and passage then whether or not I consider myself "old." You see, the truth is, a lot of people (especially my fellow Black brothers and sisters) look in the mirror and if they still look young or they feel they still have time, they tend to put off things and take life as it comes rather than taking control of life and exploiting the time periods for what they are worth. A lot of times, people spend a lot more time at life's party and the hangover they thought that they could deal with by just catching a small nap or drinking some coffee is a lot harsher than they imagined. Pretty soon, when 35 rolls around, they still have not finished school, still have not really made significant investments like buying a house or starting a retirement fund, they talk of settling down but still can't function in a monogamous relationship let alone pass up one-night-stand opportunities, still ask mom and dad for money to go out, still work at a dead-end job and not a "position," still go to their buddies who did something with their lives and ask for the "hook up," still wake on Friday mornings with nothing else in mind but "where's the party gonna be at this weekend," still think it's cool to talk and laugh about how wasted/high they got, still talk about what gaudy accessories they will put on their car (if they have one), still find Hollywood and music industry gossip more interesting than social/economic/political issues, and still consider "watching TV and movies" a bona fide hobby. If you are anywhere near 30 years old (let alone 35) and most if not all of these items fit you--my brother, my sister--please wake up, get a (real) life, shed yourself of the dead-weight (which are sometimes your closest friends) in your life, and get productive.

I guess when it's all said and done, 35 is the stage in life where "letting go" is far more productive then "grabbing onto." Let me explain. In I Corinthians 13:11 (NIV), the Apostle Paul wrote "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." Notice, he explains that with childhood or immaturity, he spoke, thought, and reasoned a certain way. However, when he recognized that he approached manhood, the totality of the maturation did not disappear on its own. In his words, he had to put them away or "behind" him. This tells us that a significant portion of growing up, maturing, or moving into your correct stage in life is not something that comes naturally (like puberty, gray hairs, or weight gain), it must come and stay by your own efforts and willingness to let go of things (habits, people, behaviors, thoughts, mind-sets, etc.) that no longer remain suitable to your age. So, I guess there is some truth to the saying, "Act your age." And all that nonsense about "Age ain't nothing but a number." is not as applicable as people want us to believe. Being young is fun and exciting. But unfortunately the window of youth does have its limits. This window is more of one to seize opportunity and make investments than to use it to waste time. This window has a time when it's wide open, but when we get into our thirties, we need to recognize that it starts to become narrow and a decade or two down the road it will have only a crack and then finally it will close. The sad thing about our twenties is that most of us remember them in a blur. I firmly believe that what a person does in their twenties determines the outcome for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, many don't see it that way and throw away their twenties and the valuable opportunities therein. Then they are forced to burn the candles at both ends in their thirties and forties and look like hell by the time they reach their fifties. We look at our twenties as a time to party, drink, and screw ourselves into a stupor--not realizing that when you are on your thirties, you have to pay the bill. 

So, after all the liver damage, lung corrosion, STD treatments, abortions, emotional baggage, jail-records, child-support payments, dark little secrets, regretful pictures posted on the internet, fights, ruined relationships, lost money, and lost respect--we sit in the mirror and have to make a choice; do I wallow in self-pity and continue this until I destroy myself or do I change? This should have already been taken care of before the age of 35. When I am 35 I should be aware of certain pitfalls and not getting into doomed relationships. I should not be spending my money on the same things a 15-25 year old is spending it on (i.e. video games, sneakers, rims, etc.). As a matter of fact, I should be doing more investing than spending. At 35, getting drunk/high should no longer be a desirable goal. At 35, I should know the difference between and true lady and ho. For you ladies out there, at 35 you should know the difference between a real man and a player. At 35, your self-respect, reputation, and dignity should hold precedence over pleasure--when they come into contention.

Playing catch-up sucks. If you have to play catch-up to get your life in order and avoid doom—do it. There’s nothing like being that annoying person that always wants to sing the sad song about “what I could have, should have, or would have done if…” The funny thing about that particular song is that most everyone around the world knows it, but none of us want to hear anyone else sing it. Also, regret is a neighbor that never moves away. Don’t sell yourself short. No matter how late it is in the game—go for it. But what really sucks about playing catch-up, is that if you fall too far behind, by the time you catch-up, you may be too old or too worn out to really have enough time and opportunity to enjoy the fruits of your labor. However, even if you find yourself in this predicament, do it anyway. Like I said earlier, I graduated from college with a man in his seventies. Though he may not have done much with his degree or he may not have lived very long after its attainment—he did it. And there are times when just accomplishing something says volumes. If you look down the road and have to play catch-up and get your life together but at the same time see that when you finally do it that there may not be a lot to gain from it—do it anyway. Do it for your children so that they will have no excuse. Do it for others that are in less constraining circumstances than you. Do it for that person on the edge that you may not know that needs just a push—just a spark of motivation to take the first step and turn their life around. But most important of all, do it for yourself. Never go to bed knowing that you could have done more—do it. If you gotta play catch up, so be it. It’s better than being behind for the rest of your life.

My generation… well we are an interesting one. We stand between the fall the of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Soviet style Communism and today’s apparent fall of Middle-Eastern/North African dictatorial rule. But in between this epoch beginning in 1989/1990 (ironically, Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” was released during this period) until today—2011, what has my generation—one going into its forties--given the world? Well, we witnessed the birth of the internet and remember the death of black/white TV’s. We watched the birth, bourgeoning, and domination of the airwaves by rap music. We remember when MTV was actually about music and showed mostly music videos. We remember when you could count the number of reality TV shows on one hand and there really was no such term as “reality television.” We witnessed the death of Apartheid and the release of Nelson Mandela. We watched a couple of space shuttles blow up as well as the introduction of crack cocaine into the world. We remember when cell phones came in a huge zippered bag and weighed about as much as a small brick—and they were only for rich people. We can recall waking up to watch Saturday morning cartoons that weren’t saturated by Japanese anime. We remember when AIDS was viewed as a gay disease and pulling out was considered safe-sex—really. We remember when WWE was actually WWF—and it didn’t suck! Back in those days you had to have a VCR to watch porno and your family could wait with/for you at an airline terminal/gate. Yes, I am old enough to remember a world without websites, Pimp My Ride, American Idol, cell phones, equal rights in South Africa, military style airport security screening areas, and the thought that a Black person would stand a snowball’s chance in Hell if running for U.S. president was the norm.

 My generation--I believe--gave the world much to play and distract themselves with; smart phones, internet porn, portable hard drives, social media websites, 24 hours news and sports on television, 100 million different types of Air Force One’s, 100 million different (mind numbing) reality TV shows, COPS, blogs, Big Brother, Nintendo/Playstation, etc. But when I think about what lessons or progressive ways of thinking my generation has passed on—I come up pretty empty. We still have wars, racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, pathetic attempts at criminal justice systems and democracies, mindless citizens supporting greedy violent dictators, unequal access to health care, education, and legal representation. Yes, we have all of these. And while we all watch American Idol and pick up our iPhones to text our vote while adding comments to uploaded photos on facebook, all these issues grow worse like societal cancers permeating every facet of our lives. Why? Because the mass consumerism and gross materialism my generation swallowed whole has insulated so much of us from reality; creating a generation of careless, ignorant, and lazy people who’s concern does not go beyond the point of their noses. Yes, I am very harsh on my generation. At no time in the world has there been such a tidal wave of information literally at our fingertips and at the same time have there been a people so oblivious to reality. That’s where I think today’s generation and my generation part ways. We are participants as well as recipients of the global financial state. But today’s generation—those that came after me—will be participants and recipients of the new dawn of political and social change ready to shine upon this world. They understand the hollowness and soullessness of running headlong after material things. They understand that inequality affects everyone. They learned how to take facebook, a website created to connect people, and forge it into a weapon of social and political change. This generation understands the TRUE value of money—that it will never be worth what a human life is worth—priceless. This generation, having seen through the falsehoods and lies that my generation sunk their confidence and their money into, understands that giving back and leaving the world a better place than how it was found it the true measuring stick of a person’s value. They understand that a legacy is more important than an inheritance and that giving is truly more blessed than receiving. I envy this generation. The fields of this world are ripe for change and if they continue to struggle and look into the eyes of the children and continue to imagine a better world for them, this generation will help usher in a better and freer Middle East, a more prosperous and healthier Africa, a less hypocritical and more tolerant America, and fairer and less racist Europe. This generation stands at the cusp of change. My generation missed it worrying about the verdict in the O.J. Simpson trial and who the true father(s) of Anna Nicole Smith’s children were (downright pathetic huh?). We need this generation to pull our heads out of the sand and help correct the mess that we are currently giving them or we are all headed down a tunnel with no light.

So, again, where am I? I think I have done OK so far. I’ve accomplished most of my educational and travel goals. Career wise, the money is OK, but the fulfillment and sense of doing something that matters is almost null and void. I am going to change that. In terms of investments, ownership, and wealth I am not at all satisfied. In regards to personal growth, well you win and lose. I often beat myself up because I make mistakes that a person my age should see miles away. Maturity… I’m getting there. Do I feel behind—oh yes! Sure, I have done things and been places most of the people I know have not and maybe will not ever do or be. But we make a huge mistake when we compare ourselves to our peers alone. When we do this, it is often times the result of us really feeling negatively about ourselves, so, we create this comparison in our minds with people we grew up with or have known for a long time and if we can convince ourselves that we are on their level or ahead, then we are “OK.” WRONG! If you want to soar with eagles, you must leave the chicken coop. We should all strive to be better than where we came from, who we grew up with, and shatter the standards of success that we were placed in your minds. Is this arrogance? No. I am a firm believer that every generation should stand upon the shoulders of the ones that preceded it and encourage those coming up to do the same. Success, accomplishment, and limits should always be redefined and continually evolve within a spirit of excellence. So by better, I don’t mean we should think of ourselves as better than anyone else; I am simply saying that the benchmarks for success should always be pushed further—especially further than what we were told they were.